key in the river

Just like a key lost in a river, I no longer know whether I’m the one searching for the key, or if I am the lost key myself.

I’ve tried everything. Sometimes, I feel like I’m the key, lying quietly beneath the water, waiting for someone to find me. And I keep wondering: am I really that hard to find? Am I that invisible? That insignificant?

I’ve also tried living as the person who lost the key. I keep searching. I walk along the river endlessly, dipping myself into places that look shallow enough to reach the bottom. I was never the kind of person who would willingly throw themselves into deep water just to search for something uncertain. But lately, maybe I’ve become that desperate.

So I drowned myself in the river anyway.

I’ve tried searching in different ways. I moved from place to place, hoping maybe the river would look different somewhere else. I followed the current farther than where I was supposed to search for the key, convincing myself that maybe it had drifted away long ago. I kept thinking that if I just tried harder, searched farther, changed something about myself, maybe I would finally find it.

But still, I haven’t found the key.

And sometimes I wonder why it seems so easy for everyone else. People around me seem to find their keys so effortlessly, as if they were always meant to hold them in the first place. Meanwhile, I keep searching with empty hands and exhausted eyes.

So I keep asking myself:

What did I do wrong?

I’m starting to feel tired. Hopeless, but not entirely hopeless. There’s still a small piece of faith left somewhere inside me. I still want to believe, even when believing feels unbearably difficult.

When and how will I find my key?

When and how will the key finally be found?

I keep asking myself what else I’m supposed to do, but the truth is, I have no idea what’s happening inside me anymore. I feel completely lost. Part of me wants to give up.

I’ve tried for so long.

And now, I’m simply tired.

Sragen, 15 Mei 2026 - 23:28